I am getting older. I have to admit it. In just 3 months, I will be 60 years old. Inside my head, I’m 30 or so, with a lot of extra experiences attached. Sometimes I have to sort through everything, and occasionally I can’t quite find the word I’m looking for, but I know it’s there – it’s just a matter of connecting the right synapses.
My mother became demented. Is that what’s happening to me? No, I know how my mind works, and it’s always been like this. Chaotic and overly detailed. I would have been diagnosed if I were a child today. I’m sure the structure of my brain could interest a psychiatrist or neuroscientist. But I didn’t get any diagnosis. I took an IQ test many years ago, and there I sat with the result in hand and got no help because the result was extraordinarily good. Today, I could reveal that I would have been sent to a school for highly intelligent kids.
So what did I do with my super intelligence? I started studying to become a doctor. But due to my undiagnosed condition, I couldn’t stay focused. So I quit and trained to become a nurse instead. I quickly realized this was a good thing because I developed a structured work method and working hours, which meant I could show up and be there for others while keeping all the balls in the air. Until I got bored. I know the signs. I start looking for a new, slightly different, and challenging job. And then it’s off to the races again.
In fact, I’ve changed jobs far too many times, and that’s frowned upon in the nursing world. A few job changes are fine, but too many are bad. There must be something wrong with a candidate like that.
It’s incredibly hard for me to get a new job now. And now age plays a role as well. Who would want to hire a 60-year-old when they’re going to retire soon anyway?
I also completed a Master’s degree while working. That kept my brain busy for the two years it took. I even got a job in that field, but only for about a year – not my choice, but the times and the economy in healthcare didn’t allow my contract to be extended.
I’m so good at getting deeply engaged in a job, and once I master it and do it better than most, I lose interest. And I get super annoyed with colleagues who only do their jobs mediocrely and with many mistakes. This leads to many conflicts and is extremely draining when I see that my high expectations aren’t met by others.
I don’t know how it will end right now, but I’m looking for a new job again in my career. Hopefully, I can find a niche where I can stick it out until retirement. I never thought I’d actually be looking forward to retirement, but I have to admit that’s become a central theme in my thoughts.
My body has functioned very well throughout my life. I’ve run, played volleyball, had a dog to walk, cycled, and stayed active.
My body only failed me once, when a gallstone got stuck in my bile duct, and I ended up on the operating table.
Now, however, my body is starting to have trouble getting going in the morning. "If you wake up one morning and nothing hurts, you’re dead." That’s becoming an increasing reality for me now.
Pain in my feet.
Pain in my left shoulder.
Can’t run anymore.
Get more out of breath.
But I won’t give up.
I keep pushing myself out every morning, thanks to the dog.
I dread what will be the next thing to fail.
My eyesight has long since started to suffer from farsightedness, and I need progressive lenses to read and get through the day. But that doesn’t worry me. In fact, I’m looking forward to turning 60 in that respect, because most opticians have discount programs for people over 60. So, I’ll be celebrating my birthday by getting my eyes tested and checking out new, stylish glasses with a “senior discount.” I can hardly contain my excitement, if only I could get my left arm up.
I’ve suffered from tinnitus for many years. I still do, but over time my hearing is getting worse, and the tone I always hear is getting louder. It makes me more withdrawn because I can’t follow sound impressions the way I used to. Hearing aid, you say? Well, that may become necessary, but my stubbornness and vanity say it’s not time yet.
So, now it’s 3 months (barely) until my 60th birthday. I’ve booked a doctor’s appointment to check my shoulder. I could get an appointment in a month! My shoulder has only been increasingly bothering me all summer, so I can probably wait that month too.
I haven’t planned anything for my 60th birthday. But I’ll probably have to start thinking about it soon. People around me clearly expect there to be a celebration. I’d prefer to just go to work and pretend nothing’s happening, but another part of my brain says, of course, I should celebrate and celebrate life – no one knows when it’s over.